I didn't even get dressed today. I didn't do any dishes, laundry or vacuuming. I am supper bummed. Put into the position of many families I stay at home with little Zekers. I simply could not make enough money that would pay for child care and help with bills. It just makes sense for me to be here with him. Now don't get me wrong on this I love that fact. I have full faith that I do my job taking care of Zeke better then any one besides his own daddy ever could.
But we get behind on bills a tad and while we don't go without we don't have extra, and Lord knows when bad things happen like the recent repair on our kitchen sink and the car battery dying we would have died without the help of John's amazing parents. That's a whole other post but they are truly a leading example in what a great parent is like even with adult children.
I earlier this fall had been watching a baby girl. One thing happened and then another and the mother no longer needed me to watch her. Leaving with out paying for a week. This girl has been my friend since I was 14 so I let it pass. Some time went by and my brothers neighbor needed a nanny. I was excited this little boy was a few months younger then Zeke and hey! It was some income and that's really all we needed. Well the mother and the father of this child split. Less and less frequently he was coming and then the week before christmas the mother became unreliable at best at answering my texts. Then pay day rolled around and for 3 weeks tomorrow she has had one excuse or another for not paying me. She started a new job and no longer requires child care. Thanks for letting me know. I appreciate it. The next story stings the most for more then one reason. A mama friend of mine had emailed me recently and told me her friend who has a son 6 months younger then Zeke was looking for child care. We had met a few times before, so my information was passed along and she got in contact with me. It turned out to sound like a wonderful opportunity. Having recently been evaluating my friendships with other parents. I felt like the mom was more like I wanted to be. I feel like Zeke watches way to much tv and realize that I have been not doing so greatly with his diet. And over all it was encouraging to be around another mom who was more interested in educating and gently disciplining her child. Now I am fully aware that the circumstances that have expired in the last 24 hours are not some spiteful way of ditching me, but she has for her child decided to wait a while before she will need child care. Then comes the flood of disappointment and sting of tears.
What exactly do I have to be disappointed about? As I am forced to reflect on my feelings a lot of things factor into it. The money for sure hurts a bit. I was so excited to get 100% caught up on bills, that little bit behind causes tension and stress. My birthday is next week and it would have been amazing to have a supper rad party, though the party may not exist at all now. I feel like a doofus for wanting such silly things. But I guess I am only human. Next on my list is I really felt like this was my opportunity to change. I realize fully that if I want things to change around here I've got to do it myself. I just was really excited that if there was this child here who could only watch so much tv a day, it would be easier to cut Zeke's time down since he would have a playmate. I thought that if I was feeding the child on healthier guidelines I would learn and take those guidelines and make them my own for feeding Zeke. AND the encouragement to continue parenting the way I am was over all priceless. Where now I feel scoffed and mocked by both my "friends" and my family.
I know we will still see this wonderful child and his awesome mama. There's not much I can do about the disappointment. I guess I can just wait it out and hope things will get better.... Though I hate that saying. It drives me nuts. I am just having a down day. Someday things have got to pick up. I know I have a lot to be grateful for. I just need to keep focused on that.